Conan Exiles – The Schlong Slider Game

Conan Exiles has been aptly renamed by my friend as “The Schlong Slider Game” (try saying it fast).  It is called so, due to the fact that if you play as a man, you can alter his “endowment”.  Basically, in layman’s terms, you can create a character with a monster cock.  My friend did just that and I must say, I was intrigued.  For hours.  I kid you not.  The graphics and character movement are fairly detailed, so try jumping around if you play as a man.  Those things are fairly buoyant I tell you.

So Conan is currently my game of choice for playing with friends.  I find it far too hard to play by myself, especially since it’s not very forgiving if you die.  Fall off a cliff or get gang-killed by enemies and you drop down dead (sometimes losing various body parts) and you lose all your stuff.  So you know that wicked armour that you spent ages grinding all the materials for?  Gone.  That epic Conan Atlantean sword that kills most things in two hits?  Bye.  And you’re left wandering around the desert naked, trying not to die of hunger, thirst or loss of limbs.

Playing with friends however is much more fun and you stand more of a fighting chance at killing enemies who are guarding decent resources.  Of course, if you have a friend like mine, sometimes it’s not a fun game – especially when he lures you to a giant spider boss (I am terrified of spiders) under the guise of “this is something you really have to see”.

Building is pretty in-depth in Conan and looks confusing at first glance but is really easy to use and really simple to get the hang of.  We currently have a pretty big, multi-storey base, which stood its ground really well when we were hit by a purge.  Which is wave after wave of enemies, flooding your base and trying to kill everyone and demolish everything in sight.  One of our archer thralls didn’t make it.  But we did and that’s the main thing.

Speaking of thralls, you can knock out, hog tie and kidnap random people who you bring back to your base and enslave.  So far the main bonus of this is that they can act as defenders to kill enemies who get too close.

I found so far that Conan Exiles is much like Ark: Evolved.  The movement, button config and base building are nearly identical and it would be very easy to get to grips with one if, like me, you’ve already played the other.  I do like Conan (very much) but I do think it lacks a lot of things that Ark already has to offer.  Mounts for one.  There are no mounts in Conan at all.  Bit of a bummer for walking the miles and miles across the map.  I also liked how you could keep animals in Ark, like sheep and dodos (for harvesting wool, meat and eggs).  It’d be nice if they dropped that sort of thing into Conan.

That being said it really is a fun game and definitely worth a try – although maybe buy a CD key, as personally I don’t think it’s worth £49.99 but I got my copy for £17 so I can’t complain with that price.

Overall thoughts and maybe a score?  I’m going with a decided 7/10 for this one.

Pros:  Easy to get the hang of, fun to play with friends, lots of customisation, base building is extensive.

Cons:  Servers are pretty hard to get into, a fair few bugs, no mounts.

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