Kate’s Diary – I think 2019 is my year

Wow! What a year 2018 was. Last January I swear I said, “2018 is my year”. It wasn’t. I lost a grandparent, my car died on me, we had vets bills coming out of our arse for our anxiety ridden cat (what the hell he thinks he has to worry about is beyond me) and Dave lost his dad. I also ended up in hospital with health issues brought on by work and all the other stress we were going through. To summarise, 2018 was really really awful. I did however, make a multitude of absolutely amazing friends last year, including my now best friend Jay. These people are truly a godsend to me (yes, I’m also including you in this Gods) and I am so thankful for them having came into my life. I once felt alone but now I am surrounded by all these wonderful people that I can’t help but gush about every single day.

That being said, I do think 2019 is our year. I think this year is going to be full of positivity, happiness and maybe even a little of financial gain. Our jobs (mine and Dave’s) are looking promising, we’re working hard on our little house, I finally have a (half) reliable car and I am starting the year full of positive thoughts. I realise that we’re only on day three of the year, but upon recommendation from a friend, I have invested in a year planner that’s a little different.

One of my streamer friends recommended this website to me, to buy a 2019 journal that was a bit different. This one helps you make (and keep to) goals and practise stress management and maintaining upbeat, positive thinking. I will admit that it was a little pricey for me and when I looked at the images, the journals themselves seemed a little bland to me. I really liked the idea of them though so I hit up Amazon and came across this rather more appealing little number. It was a bit more colourful and the different, jazzy layout appealed to me a lot more than the first ones. I thought perhaps adding my motivational cat stickers that I bought on eBay a couple weeks ago would really make it enjoying to write in and update daily and that would help keep me in a routine of updating it, which in turn would keep me in a routine for the best mindset.

It’s arriving tomorrow so I’ll be posting a blog shortly all about it.

Kate’s Diary – Sunday 2nd December – I do believe I will be getting a visit from three ghosts

Eugh.  I slept on the sofa again last night.  Dave was snoring (even more so than usual because he went out drinking last night and left my boys to babysit me).  It was cold.  And cramped.  I’ve woken up with a stiff neck, stiff back and the temper from hell.  We were supposed to be putting our tree up today, but the way I’m feeling, the tree will be going up alright – right up Dave’s ass.

I’m not feeling Christmas this year.  Usually I’m really excited and dying to put the decorations up and play Christmas music and go Christmas shopping, but I do believe that this year I have turned into Ebenezer Scrooge.  I think it’s lack of sleep.  No matter how many days holiday I book off work, I still seem to feel constantly burnt out.

Christmas is a stressful at time at best isn’t it?  I’m so worried.  We’ve struggled with money this year so I haven’t really had the extra cash to put to one side to save up for presents and now it’s creeping up on me and I’ve bought very little.  It’s so expensive and I’ve so many people to buy for.  I’ve been losing a lot of sleep over it.  The stress has caused the meaning of Christmas to become a bit obsolete for me to be honest.  I can’t wait for it to be over, and that makes me really sad because I used to adore this time of year.

I’ve spent a lot of my time playing Red Dead Redemption with my best mate Z and Fallout 76 with my bois Nova and Noodle.  I’ve had fun.

It’s so cold outside that I made a cuppa.  Then surfed Instagram and saw my neighbour put a picture up of a cake and a cuppa.  Now I feel like my tea isn’t going to be the same because of lack of cake.

And I’m rambling.  I should go.

Kate’s Diary – Sunday 25th November – It’s getting harder and harder to relax

I’m annoyed.  I just told my Google Home to “play Anitra’s Dance”.  It’s a classical tune, by the way.  My favourite piece of music.  It always reminds me of a mischievous cat for some reason.  Google decided I didn’t know my own mind and decided to play some rap music instead by someone who didn’t sound anything like Anitra.  It was rubbish.  I told Google to “shut the fuck up”.  She said, “okay, no more yapping!”, rather too happily for my liking, the smug bitch.  I hate when technology thinks it knows better than me.  As if it knows what I should be doing or listening to in order to relax.  Well it doesn’t and so help me God, that woman will learn to know her place in this house.  Always butting in when we’re watching TV, randomly telling us the football scores, interrupting conversations, like she was ever a part of them.  We don’t even really use the bloody thing to be honest.  Maybe that’s why she’s so insistent on being part of the family.  Maybe she feels lonely.  I know the feeling.  I have lots of people check in with me every day but I still can’t help but feel alone sometimes.

I feel as if we haven’t stopped for months.  We’ve had so much going on for so long that Dave has only recently got his sleeping pattern back, which means, unfortunately for me, that he also is back to snoring his arse off every single night.  Very loudly, I might add.  Which means I’m awake for the whole night.  Unless I go and sleep on the sofa downstairs, but it’s too small for me and I end up cramped up with a dead leg.  Unpleasant.  So I’ve been struggling by with around an hour and a half sleep every night for the last month or so.  I also went to visit my sister last weekend and did a lot of driving, which also tired me out, then I went to work and blah blah, you know the score.  Basically I burnt myself out.  I couldn’t even summon the energy to stream last week.  I was trying to keep to my regular routine of work, home, tidy up, prepare for work tomorrow, sort kitties out, stream, read, bed, but there was just too many things on the to-do list and I couldn’t keep up.  If I had been a Sim, I would be getting told “Kate’s queue is full” right before breaking out the nearest mop, drawing a face on it and talking to it with a crazy look in my eye.

I spoke to one of my friends who I deem a very practical and reliable “grown up” (as I see him), and he told me I should be relaxing and taking a break and that the people around me wouldn’t see it as me letting them down.  That they would be very supportive.  And they really were.  I was thankful for it.

Friday gone was spent playing old-new games with my fake little brother in South Africa.  He always makes my brain want alcohol (I mean, even more so than usual) and I may have been a tad over-generous with my measures of gin to tonic.  I woke up feeling extremely delicate on Saturday.  But I still put my computer on and streamed a bit of Fallout 76, which I was enjoying right up until the point that my stream crashed and ended and I hadn’t even noticed and continued playing and talking to myself for a further two hours.  When I realised, I was miffed to say the least.

Today I’ve been doing grown up things, like buying kettles and those things you put your tea, coffee and sugar in.  I’m a great lover of cute and quirky and, as sad as I am, and will even admit it, I sat looking at them for ages after putting them on the kitchen bench.  It inspired me to do some more housework and make my house nice and cosy so I could cuddle up with my cat and watch some more episodes of ‘The Last Kingdom’ before reading then bed.

Usually I play games on a Sunday.  Or I hang out with my best friend.  Wednesdays and half Sundays are usually our days.  Instead, tonight I decided to focus solely on trying to relax and unwind so maybe I sleep tonight and maybe I will be good for something in the morning.  My house is tidy and cosy, I lit the tealights, decided to blog and vent and I’m sat in my PJ’s all snug with my Bug (my cat – he’s called Bug – after the main protagonist from the movie ‘My Soul to Take’ – cos that guy always got ganged up on and bullied, and so does my cat – I realise this sounds utterly mental).

I guess I was feeling mostly okay but right now I just sort of feel a bit lonely.  I’ve been asked by my friends to come play Fallout with them and I know my other great darling of a friend G would suggest I hang out in Discord or something but I just mostly don’t really know where to put myself.  I feel a little empty.  Like a part of me is missing.  I should probably go give my head a shake, make a cup of green tea and think of something worthwhile to actually blog about…